Dear Josh…

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

The very stages of grief that I learned about, spoke about, and preached are the very stages I am about to go through myself.

I don’t want to. I can’t. I won’t. I know I have to. Josh, stay with me, my friend.

When I was in mortuary college, I learned about death and dying. I learned about grief. More specifically, the five stages of grief, via Dr. Elisabeth Kubler Ross.

Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.

My therapist pointed this out to me. For so long I have been on the opposite side of death, that now when it’s my turn (and it’s a turn we all will take), it will feel like I am lost.

As someone with almost a decade of funeral and cemetery service under my belt, you’d think I know what’s coming. And how to deal with it.

I found out Monday morning that I lost my childhood best friend. I lost someone that I will never be able to laugh with. To share a memory with. To play Nintendo or Zelda with. To look back on and smile, because now all I want to do is cry.

I’m in the Denial stage. I can’t believe you’re gone, Josh. I won’t allow myself to fully believe it, or face it. I’m just a friend. I can’t even imagine the pain your parents and brother feel right now.

It’s true because I haven’t known you my whole life. I’m 39 years old. In a few weeks you would have turned 39. I’ll never look at December 3rd the same again. Or…